


Methanopyrus

by Rag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Enthusiastic Consent, Face-Fucking, Fluff and Smut, Light BDSM, Mentioned Cannibalism, Mentioned Canon Typical Violence, Mild Overstimulation, Multi, Oral Sex, Praise Kink, Self-Esteem Issues, Spitroasting, Threesome - F/M/M, Weight Issues, Xeno, body image issues, mentioned child abuse, unsanitary mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-07 17:32:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15224237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: Karkat has a bad day, gets pwned, talks about his feelings, and gets railed





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [krazieLeylines](https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazieLeylines/gifts).



Karkat wakes up alone. He grins and stretches his sleep-stiff muscles. Both Jade and Dave somehow managed to get up and dressed without waking up. He somehow managed to sleep through both of them getting ready without his hyper-sensitive sense of motion and sound bolting awake. It’s a fucking 12th Perigee's Eve miracle. It doesn’t happen every day, by far, but it’s been more and more frequent. He’ll take more frequent.

The house smells like pan-roasted chunks of cow stomach muscle. Beefstick or something. He should ask them for the proper name later. He can hear Jade and Dave talking. Their voices are too far and muffled to make out anything they’re saying, but it soothes some base quadrant part of Karkat.

He gets up and picks out an outfit, a loose hoodie and his favorite pair of sweatpants. Ugh. He used to have to tie these sweatpants off at the waist to keep it from falling off. Now it stretches just on the brink of uncomfortably. It’s been getting tighter. He needs to fucking suck it up and just get new ones. Of course he’s gaining weight. It’d be weird if he wasn’t. There’s actual fucking food here on this planet - as in fresh food, as in food that isn’t centuries old and/or powdered and/or alchemized with almost-right configurations of atoms that make it taste just wrong enough to make something deep inside of his brain scream threats of poison.

There’s the pants. There’s also the matter of the rest of him. Ugh. Karkat deeply despises the fact that mirrors exist. He tries not to too get lost in the wanky land of Karkat Fucking Sucks. He could kill hours (well, half an hour) just ruminating on what an ugly fucking ball of garbage he is. His features were thrown together randomly by a cruel random number generator god -- fat fucking eyebrows that give him a slight unibrow when he usually doesn’t shave (Dave says it’s really not noticeable, but Dave is probably lying to make him feel better), a pug-like nose, pencil-thin lips, a weird jaw, piercing eyes, nubby little horns, defunct grubscars, weak muscles-

He hears Jade laugh, hard, from the other room. She has a great laugh. He and Dave kind of just snort or laugh into their hands or laps, but Jade just guffaws out in the open when something tickles her funnybone enough. It’s so endearing. She’s so adorable.

He takes a deep breath. So, this is going to be one of those days where he _could_ just spend a literal half hour in front of the mirror thinking about what a gross piece of shit he is. His nightmares are getting better, and this shit is getting better, too; but, days like this still happen sometimes. And they suck, and he deals with them. He’s lucky today, he has plans to hang out with Terezi, finally, and Dave and Jade will both be home at night.

He has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that they both love him so much, but he also doesn’t want it to stop, and he’s just not going to question it too hard. It’s just one of life’s unsolved mysteries. A short, aggressive, Alternian Voynich Manuscript. And his matespirits are making breakfast for the manuscript, because they love it. Karkat grins at the stupid trail of thought and stops thinking about what a misshapen turd he is, and goes into the kitchen. He can hear the two of them bantering as he walks up the hall.

“Have mercy, dude. I literally never cooked anything before I met you. I burned noodles the one time I tried.”

“Well, that makes two of us!”

“What. No. What?”

“Well, technically, I roasted some animals on the island, but that’s different! That’s not like this. Mixing batter is really different from gutting a boar.”

“Holy shit,” Dave says seriously, and then his tone gets fake deep. “I mean, is it really, though? Like, think about it.”

Jade laughs. “You know, the more I think about it, it’s really similar, isn’t it?”

“Totally. Pancakes are alive, too, if you think about it.”

“Are they?”

“Yeah. Just think about it.”

“Hmm.”

“Keep thinking about it.”

“Hmmm.”

Karkat walks into the kitchen. It’s pleasantly hot from all the cooking, and smells divine, sweet and salty and savory. His salivation glands are already working triple time.

Dave is sitting at the table, and Jade is doing something at the stove a few feet away. Karkat leans against the counter. “Humans have living pancakes too?” he asks. “For once, something that’s not a soppier version of the Alternian.”

Jade twirls around and beams. “Karkat! Good morning!”

Dave stares at him. Karkat does his best not to laugh. Obviously he isn’t serious about the living pancakes, and Dave knows this, but now he’s wondering if he _really_ knows it.

He pulls a chair and pats the seat. “Sit down and tell me about shooting pancakes out of the sky with bone arrows, Xena.”

Karkat smirks, he can’t help it, and sits down. Dave gives him a kiss.

“Wait, don’t sit down yet! I need you over here!” Jade pleads. She scrapes the pan with her spatula, spreading butter around the surface.

“Too late. You’ll have to pry me off this chair with a fucking plow.”

Jade surprises him by not bantering back, but walking up behind him and kissing the top of his head. She kneads softly at his shoulders and Karkat’s eyes flutter closed in pleasure. Where the fuck did she learn to do that. It feels too good.

“I want a good morning kiss, too,” she says.

Heat floods Karkat’s cheeks. He tilts his head back to look at her. She smiles warmly, but doesn’t get the hint, so Karkat puckers his lips. He probably looks fucking absurd, but for once he doesn’t fucking care, by sheer force of will. And Jade laughs so hard that the residual voice in his head telling him that he’s not the kind of person that can pull that shit off fades away.

“Get a room.”

“She wanted a kis-mmfh.” Jade kisses him. Their chins knock together awkwardly and Karkat almost bites her by accident, but it’s fine. Then her hands are on his hoodie, tugging him up.

“Come on, nerd! Dave already helped, it’s your turn.”

Karkat gets up, and Dave brags about how he mixed the fuck out of that fucking batter. Jade loves cooking for them. She’s fucking great at it, which is another reason Karkat is gaining weight. It’s not _just_ good food. It’s good food cooked with love by one of his matespirits (and he gets _two_ , the lucky, indulgent fuck that he is). She’s also been making them learn, as long as they’re up for it. Karkat usually is, and Dave usually is. It makes them all feel a little more normal, even though that’s draining a fucking ocean.

Karkat quickly finds the batter in question. It looks… uncomfortably like a large bucket, especially when it’s filled with a slightly yellowed version of Dave’s genetic material. Alternian pancake batter wasn’t like this. Alternian pancake batter was colored with blood, and the texture was much less… viscid.

He apparently doesn’t hide his disgust well.

“What? Come on, I didn’t fuck it up that bad.”

“You didn’t fuck it up at all!” Jade says. “You did great!”

Karkat drags a spoon through it, and it’s just obscene how reminiscent it is as it plops back into the bowl. Ugh.

“Uh, Karkat?” Jade questions.

“This is where your pancakes come from?”

Dave starts laughing. “Holy shit. Karkat, you sick freak.”

“I didn’t say anything! What do _you_ think it looks like? Dave?”

“Pancake batter.”

“Oh my god, that’s why you call it baby batter. That’s why.”

“Ugh! You guys are nasty!” Jade laughs and takes the bowl from away. “It’s water, flour, shortening, leavening, sugar, and eggs! Nothing weird!”

“Jade, look at this. Look at this and tell me I’m wrong,” Karkat says seriously. “Look me in the eye.”

Jade drags a spoon through it and watches it drip back into the bowl.

“Fuck, anyone else kinda randy?” Dave asks. “This kitchen is downright erotic. That shit needs censoring.”

Jade glances at Dave, then Karkat. “You are the worst.”

“I’m not wrong!”

“You’re terrible!” She laughs. “Come here and make jizz pancakes with me.”

“I could donate to the cause if you guys-“

“No!” Jade blurts. “Nope! Karkat, take this!” She hands him a measuring cup and points at the stove.

Jade walks him through measuring, spreading, waiting for bubbles to form before flipping. Karkat figures it out after the first one, and she sits down at the table to shoot the shit. Karkat somehow manages to flip all the pancakes at the correct time while talking about how much spunk it would take before the pancakes lost their structural integrity. He stacks them all on the serving plate as Jade and Dave set up the silverware.

It’s really cheesy and probably objectively false, but meals seem to taste better when they all make them together. And this mix of pancakes and bacon smells obscenely good. One of them even got the grubsauce, powdered legs, and imitation blood syrup for him. His bloodpusher feels all mushy and he hasn’t even cut into the food yet.

Dave’s halfway through a pancake before Jade even sits down. Karkat loves to see him eat like that. His useless fucking lusus didn’t feed him enough, and for years on the meteor he could hardly eat more than a fucking mouse without getting sick.

“What?” he asks cautiously, with his mouth full of food, when he sees Karkat staring at him like a moony-eyed teenager. Explaining is out of the question (it’d make him feel weird, and the mood is too happy for Suddenly That), so Karkat hands him a napkin instead. “Shit, thanks.”

Karkat drizzles bloodsauce on his pancakes. It’s not real blood, just imitation. There aren’t so many grubs or trolls left that they can grind them up and sell them on the open markets. Besides, Karkat lost his taste for the real thing. Living with humans and their cannibalization taboo will do that to you. Knowing you wouldn’t have been fit for popular consumption, and instead sold on the black markets for more than you’d make in a hundred thousand lifetimes to some experience-gluttonous highblood(s) also does that to you. Ugh. He doesn’t like to think about it. He cuts off a slice just as Jade makes a happy moan into her plate. He takes a bite. Fuck. Yes.

“Do you like it?” she asks.

“I came like four times,” Dave says blandly.

“Yeah, but is it good?” Jade asks again.

“It’s alright.”

“He means to say that it’s fucking amazing.”

“Yeah, no, oh my god, it’s the fucking bomb. It could probably kill people.”

“Oh, good! I’ve never made them before, I was kind of nervous!”

“Babe, there’s no recipe on this planet that could best you.”

“That’s what you say now. Wait for the aspic.”

“The what.”

They eat the entire stack of them, along with the steak, and drink coffee. It feels impossibly perfect. Karkat is a fucking puddle of emotions today, apparently, but he manages to not cry over breakfast about how much he loves his matespirits.

They finish up and linger at the table, talking and joking and catching each other up on gossip until Jade reluctantly gets up. Apparently, some people do things with actual time limits, instead of vaguely gesturing at the afternoon like he and Terezi did. She also refuses Dave’s offer to pause time for a little while longer.

“Fine, fair, abuse of god powers,” he acquiesces.

“Well, I mean, it makes me tired all day.”

“Also fair.”

“Bye! Love you!” Jade teleports out.

Dave gives Karkat a kiss before he leaves. “See you later, dude.”

“Open John’s windows.”

“Lick Terezi’s eyes.”

Karkat gags. “Of course. I’ll just say, _Dave brought you a present._ And then peel her glasses off, somehow not getting stabbed to death. I’ll proceed to somehow not die of disgust. It’ll be great.”

“Fuck yeah it will.” Dave smirks. “Okay, I’m out.”

“Bye. Love you.”

Dave smiles all flushed gives him another kiss.

When it’s just Karkat, alone, in the house, he starts to feel the warm glow of the morning fading away. He should have appreciated it more while it was still here. He squandered it by just enjoying it without thanking his lucky stars for it. He doesn’t deserve such wonderful-

He pulls himself out of the spiral like he’s wrenching a fucking hurricane out of the sky. Definitely going to be one of those days, then. That’s fine. They happen. They suck, but they happen. He’s glad that he’s hanging out with Terezi, that should help with a lot of it. He can get out of his head more when he’s with someone else. And he’s looking forward to hanging out with her because she’s fucking great, and somehow still tolerates him as a friend after all the wriggler-style bullshit he put her through when they were younger.

He just has a few more hours to kill before he takes his boring non-god-tier feet over to her hive.

*

Terezi reschedules.

GC: H4Y K4RK4T 1 GOT SOM3 B4D N3WS

GC: C4N’T M4K3 1T

GC: SORRY

CG: WHAT THE FUCK. WHY. ARE YOU OKAY?

GC: Y34H 1 JUST H4V3 3XPLOS1V3 D14RRH3A FROM 34T1NG TOO MUCH HUM4N FOOD.

CG: YOU FUCKING BUFFOON. DID YOU GORGE YOURSELF WITH A MOUNTAIN OF SHIT BEFORE TESTING IT IN A SMALL QUANTITY FIRST?

CG: WHY AM I EVEN ASKING? OF COURSE YOU DID.

GC: WHY 4SK 4NYTH1NG WH3N YOU 4LR34DY KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG, G3N1US?

GC: T3LL M3 WH4T 1 4T3 FOR D1NN3R L4ST N1GHT

CG: A POUND AND A HALF OF SHUT THE FUCK UP.

GC: WRONG!

GC: 4 SUP3R TUB OF HUM4N STYL3 BUTT3R3D POPCORN

CG: WHY. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THAT SMEG-CRUSTED SOCK OF A DECISION EVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

CG: THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA IF IT WAS FUCKING ALTERNIAN POPCORN. BUT THE HUMAN VERSION ON TOP OF IT. BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING. A GEM OF A CHOICE.

CG: IT’S DANGEROUS TO EVEN HOLD THIS DECISION. IT’S SO FUCKING VALUABLE THAT YOU MIGHT GET SHOT FOR A CHANCE TO PAWN IT OFF ON SOMEONE ELSE.

CG: IS YOUR LACK OF RESPONSE INDICATIVE OF THE SHIT OF THE CENTURY? OF THE MILLENIA?

GC: 1T SUR3 W4S >;]

CG: FANTASTIC. REMEMBER TO FUCKING HYDRATE SO YOU DON’T DIE OF HUMAN-STYLE DYSENTERY OR SOMETHING

GC: OK4Y, HUM4N-STYL3 D4D

CG: NEVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN.

GC: C4N W3 H4NG OUT L4T3R TH1S W33K

GC” 1T’S B33N L1K3 700 SW33PS

CG: YEAH, ANY DAY BUT FRIDAY IS FINE FOR ME.

GC: THURSD4Y 4FT3RNOON?

CG: DONE

GC: 3XC3LL3NT >:]

CG: NOW GO SHIT YOURSELF INTO OBLIVION.

GC: 1’M ON 1T

GC: 1’LL B3 SUR3 TO G1V3 YOU TH3 PL4Y BY PL4Y

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

She tries. Karkat temp-blocks her.

He’s kind of annoyed, unreasonable as that is. She waited annoyingly long to tell him she was sick. He was halfway to putting on shoes and everything. He fingercombed his hair. He was presentable. It’s an absurd thing to be annoyed about, and he would sooner fucking die than express it to her. But he’s still completely stuck at home with jack shit to do, on a day where he feels like shit. He manages to beat back the anxiety that Terezi is going to cancel again and again and again. She wouldn’t have bothered rescheduling. She can be a dick, but not that kind of a dick.

Wrapping himself up in a blanket sounds like a fantastic fucking idea. He wraps the soft, fluffy, feathery one from their bed around his shoulders and camps out in front of the computer. When he ignores the fact that he’s demonstrating the emotional maturity of a wriggler, it’s really, really comfortable. There’s something primal about it. It’s almost like a recuperacoon, kind of. The things that pass for recuperacoon these days are pathetic. He should talk to Jade about figuring out how to build a legitimate one. She’d be really happy to help. He makes a mental note to do that as he boots his computer up.


	2. Chapter 2

Jade comes home to find Karkat wrapped in a blanket, yelling into his headset, playing e-sports. He’s so deeply in the middle of telling a “fetid chode” exactly what he or she can eat that he doesn’t even notice her until she closes the door behind her. It doesn’t take long to piece together that he’s having a rough day.

He looks up at her and his face softens. She smiles. “Hi, Karkat.”

“Oh, hi,” he says warmly. “Fuck.” His expression hardens back and he turns to his screen. “What if it was someone who could fucking incinerate your atoms by fucking looking at you, prickdip? Oh, really? Okay, you know what? I’ll take the fucking penalty. Fuck you!”

Hoo boy. Jade takes her shoes off and sets down her backpack. Karkat makes a few more angry clicks.

“Go ahead and report me! You think I give a fuck?”

She walks over to Karkat’s desk, making sure that she makes enough noise that he can hear her. And just in case he’s distracted enough to miss that, she clears her throat loudly before pulling the blanket down and kissing the top of his head. Usually, she wouldn’t interrupt him during a game. Given the fact that he’s insanely fucking tilted and actively incurring penalties just to spite his own team, she’s taking some liberties.

She feels his crazy-tense muscles start to relax. “How long is the penalty?”

He looks up at her and puts his hand over the mic. “A few hours.”

“Was it worth it?”

He just nods. She tugs him up gently, and he closes the screen. Good. She pulls him to the couch, and he sits close enough to cuddle.

“How was your day?” she asks.

“Fine.”

She looks up at him and waits.

“What?”

“Are you sure?”

“Do I not seem fine to you?” he asks. His expression is way too blank for her to tell if that was a joke.

“Karkat.”

“What?”

“You were tilted over e-sports.”

“How dare you. I don’t get tilted.”

“Karkat.”

“…Maybe I was a little tilted.” He pulls her closer and nuzzles into her shoulder. He’s so cute. She strokes his hair and he starts to go lax.

“Did something happen with Terezi?”

“She had to postpone.”

Ah. “So you played video games all day?”

“Don’t judge me,” he mumbles, with a dead-eyed stare.

“Naw. But maybe we can do something more fun now? And less dangerous for your ranking?”

“Mm. Are you home for the night?” he asks quietly into her hair.

“Yeah.”

His expression gets a little uncertain. “Do you have plans. Because I don’t have jack shit, but if you’re not doing anything we could hang out. Or something.”

Jade was going to spend the night learning quantum optics, but she doesn’t want to leave Karkat to tilt on more teammates and get banned for weeks. Quantum optics will still be there tomorrow.

“You want to watch a movie? I still need to see how Safe Haven ends.” 

Karkat lights up. “Really?” He clears his throat, like that would make his enthusiasm less apparent. He’s such a dork. “I mean, yeah, that’d be fine.”

*

Dave comes home not five minutes into the film. “Shit, movie night?” Jade pats the couch next to her, and he sits down.

“Which one is this?”

“Humans call it Safe Haven.”

“Nice. Is it trash?”

“Absolutely not. The only thing approaching trash is your lack of respect for a perfectly good genre.”

“What? I adore this genre. Shit, look at how in love they are, dude.”

“They’re not in love! They just met!”

“Hey _,_ ” Jade cuts in, and they stop their play-bickering. “Let’s rewind it so Dave can see the start.”

“Nah, I’m good, just let it keep going.” Dave kicks his shoes off and scoots them a few feet away. “Shit, though, pause it, I got some juicy John nugs I just gotta drop.”

“Is that a euphemism?” Karkat asks.

“You know it, dude. Hold your hand out for a veritable delicacy of my people. Aged like fine cheese in the gut of a man whose eaten nothing but potato chips and coke for the last two months.”

“Oh no, is he eating like weirdo again?”

“Kinda, yeah. Like, he-“ Dave stops when Karkat hits stop on the movie. “Shit, dude, we don’t gotta stop movie night.”

“Really, honestly, that movie fucking reeks with the stink of a billion unwashed asses. I was tired of resting my eyes on its putrid frame.”

Dave’s eyebrows knit up in concern. “Dude, you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“Karkat, you’ve seemed off all day,” Jade adds gently. “You were really quiet at breakfast, too.”

She can see him swallow and think about it. They both wait for him to decide whether or not to open up. She really hopes he will. He’s probably beating himself up over even wanting to share. He gets in these spirals with himself where he can’t win. It used to be worse, but he still falls into them sometimes. “I feel like shit.”

Dave rubs his shoulder. “Aw, man, what kind of shit?”

“I dunno. The shit during the game? That kind of shit?” he mumbles. “I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

Jade’s heart sinks. Karkat was really, really awful to himself back during the game. He’s started to open up about the kind of things he used to think. The tilting and the feeling weird makes a lot more sense now. “I’m gonna beat the voice in your head up.”

Karkat gives her a tiny, ironic smirk. “I’ll hold him down for you.”

“Kinky,” she says. She’s glad that he smirks a little more and laughs a little.

“Dibs on the ass whooping,” Dave says. “Also, dude, you know that _ignore it until it goes away_ stuff doesn’t work.”

Karkat sighs. “That’s what you think. But you don’t have my iron will.”

“Holy shit, excuse me, my will is solid fucking titanium.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yeah, we can tongue wrestle for victory.”

Karkat’s jaw drops open and he grimaces. Dave wiggles his eyebrows. These two are completely allergic to vulnerable talks. It’s pleasantly surprising that they made it this far before reverting to poop jokes.

“Karkat,” she says, before the mood is completely lost, “thanks for telling me. Us.” She squeezes his hand.

“Yeah, dude. Shit sucks and now I know to hug you more.”

Karkat looks away, too flustered to maintain eye contact. “Thanks. Remind me to get new pants later.”

“Uh, what?” Dave asks.

“These are too fucking tight. Which fucking. Contributed to shit.”

“Oh. Dude. Gotcha. 100%. Can’t keep wearing shit that doesn’t fit. Shit’s murder on the self-esteem.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyways, thanks for listening to that dumb shit and letting me get it out of my system. I’m fine now.”

Dave raises his eyebrows. “Dude.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you,” Jade says.

“Yeah, gotta be real, your poker face needs work.”

Karkat snorts. “Fuck, fine. I just don’t want to spend an eternity whining about it.” Jade is about to tell him it’s fine to drop it, but Karkat keeps talking. “But we’re… talking about shit, and that’s different.”

Jade squeezes Karkat’s hand and nods. He’s been working on his self-confidence lately, which is wonderful. Jade can’t imagine what it would be like to hate yourself so much, but she understands how it happened, with Alternia and the blood thing… for the hundred thousandth time, she thanks everything that Karkat got out of Alternia safe.

“Stole the words right out of my mouth,” Dave says. “You know that little fucker in your head is wrong though, right?”

“Objectively, yeah.”

“Totally. You’re the best.”

“Objectively true,” Jade says. “Tested and confirmed.”

“You guys… thanks.”

“Why can’t your brain let you see what a fucking babe you are sometimes. Shit’s whack.”

“It’s super whack,” Jade agrees.

“Pfft. Thanks.” They both wait for him to continue. “I mean... thanks for listening or whatever.”

Jade hugs him. “Yeah, and thanks for telling us! I like knowing what’s up with you.”

“Thanks, you too,” Karkat says, and she can hear how flustered he is. She lets him go and gives him a kiss on the forehead.

“So, what’s up with the movie?” Dave asks. “Were you getting self-conscious about it?”

“Yeah,” Karkat admits. “I just don’t want to subject you guys to something just to make me feel better.”

“Karkat, I legitimately want to see it!”

“Dude, come on, we all pick movies. And the schmaltzy romance stuff is all good at emotions and shit. It’s educational. How to write people doing romance shit.”

“Can we finish it? We can watch something else if you really want, but if it’s just to make us happy, I want to see it!”

“Yeah, dude.”

Karkat grins and looks down shyly. Jade restrains herself from telling him how fucking _cute_ he is. He’s so cute! He’s fucking adorable and sometimes! It’s too much to stand! Eventually, he picks his head back up and nods. “Yeah, we can finish this. It’s one of the better ones.”

“Prove it, punk,” Dave says.

“There will be absolutely no room for debate when it’s over,” he says. When he starts the movie back up again, it’s all the way from the start.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> porn

Within half an hour, Karkat is significantly more relaxed. He’s throwing out commentary as often as Dave. He straight-up pauses the movie when Dave isn’t offering it up. See, Dave assumed that Karkat wouldn’t be in the mood to hear his pet film roasted right this particular moment. Dave was wrong about this, somehow. Karkat is a beautiful, weird enigma and he loves him more every day.

“Watching this genre without your shining commentary is like eating ice cream made without liquid, and it will not fucking stand.”

“That’s not even possible,” Jade says, god fucking bless her. “Ice cream is iced liquid. That’s stupid.”

“No, it’s exactly the point. I mean, if you’re up for it. Don’t stifle it on my account.”

That makes Dave feel that squishy warm kind of embarrassed. Like, aww, wow, Karkat likes his dumb roasts. No shit, he’s liked them for years. But he likes them enough to ask for them on his Bad Day. Golly. “Shit, if you’re gonna starve to death without it, it’d be cruelty to trolls to deny you.”

“And we know what happens to people who are cruel to trolls,” Jade says. “Yeah, Dave, you’d better get talking.”

Dave salutes her, and Karkat starts the movie back up.

Within minutes he’s giving as good as he gets, spitting back his mountainous retorts to Dave’s mild shittalking. Jade has to ask them to turn on the subtitles. By the end of it, he’s laughing along when something is admittedly really fucking over the top, as opposed to feeling too self-conscious to continue. He’s leaning into Jade, who’s leaning into him. Dave’s resting his head on his lap and Karkat is running his hella perfect claws through his hair, which feels fucking awesome. None of them move as the credits roll, too comfortable to disturb the tangled pile.

“So,” Karkat says. “It was one of the better ones. You have to admit that.”

“Yeah, I’ll accept that,” Dave says. “Better than the letters one, for sure.”

Karkat gasps. “Never say that to me again.”

“Dude, are we gonna get into this?”

“Nope!” Jade cuts in. “You’re going to decide on dinner.”

“Pizza or pizza?” Dave asks. “I’m feeling pizza.”

“Karkat?”

“Yeah, just put some grubs on my third.”

They go their separate ways while it heats up, then go their separate ways after they’re done eating. Karkat plays some game, but not one of those stupidly competitive ones where he shouts at people in half his fucking matches. Jade studies some complicated physics thing. Dave dicks around online looking for better dig tools, because there’s a whole fucking world to dig up here and if he wants to be the paleontologist supreme of the new land then that’s what he’s fucking doing.

It’s a nice, quiet night. It feels good. Dave can never quite get used to how good and safe everything is now. Or that Jade gives him hugs and tells him how cute he is, and Karkat does things like casually lean on his shoulder when they talk. It’s really good.

Eventually, they all start the procession of bedtime. One bathroom to three people makes that a fucking event. Dave gets the bedroom with Jade while Karkat does his weird troll grooming stuff. They have different toothbrushes and everything. Dude’s a straight-up alien.

“So,” she says with that really fucking hot, impish tone to her voice. Dave stares at her back as she slides her shirt off. Nice. She’s roughly three-quarters freckle by volume or something, and it’s really hot. “You know how Karkat had a bad self-esteem day?”

“I’m listening.”

She unbuttons her bra, and fuck yes, Dave will never get tired of looking at those. Never. He sidles over to her and cups them gently. She laughs a little.

“Oh, hey there.”

“Don’t mind me.” Dave kisses her neck softly and starts kneading at her chest. He’ll never get tired of this either, or how Jade moans softly and leans into him. “You were saying?”

“Fuck, uh. Mn. We should tag team him. If he’s up for it.”

“Fuck, dude, best idea.” Dave sucks softly at her neck. Her legs give out a little but he holds her firmly with his free arm.

“Dave, fuck,” she says breathily.

“Do I still get to eat you out after?”

She groans tremulously. “Mm, get off, I gotta get my PJs on.”

Dave questions the factual truth of that statement, but pulls away. Jade pulls her nightgown over her head. _Goodbye, sweet friends. Goodbye for now. We’ll meet again._ He changes into a sleeveless shirt and loose shorts.

Karkat comes back in. Dave gives him a kiss that lasts a little too long, and gets a little too deep. Karkat is staring at him dazedly by the time he pulls away. Nice. Then he heads off to wash the day’s dirt off his skin and brush the funk out of his mouth.

When he comes back, Jade and Karkat are buck fucking naked and making out on top of each other, which is the best fucking possible thing. Jade is on top, and he can see how wet she is already. Damn, her ass is perfect. By the way Karkat’s legs are twitching and his muscles are tensing, he’s probably pretty fucking ready to go, too.

“Fuck yes.”

“Shit, Dave, hi,” Karkat pants.

“Come to bed!”

Dave manages to not flash step there, then rips his clothes off and tucks in. Jade waggles her eyebrows and rolls off of Karkat, and Dave kisses him. He moans softly, and then a little louder, and Dave sees Jade running her hand down Karkat’s body to the peeking bulges and swollen slit between his legs. He sees her tongue running teasing trails over the side of his neck and vestigial gillslits.

“Jade got you worked up while I was in the shower, huh?” he asks, and runs his hand down to rub at the swollen skin around the peeking head of one of Karkat’s bulges.

Karkat trembles. “Yeah.”

“So, I mean, here’s what I’m thinkin’,” Dave says. “Jade and I play with you for a while, and see how many times we can make you come?”

“Oh, fuck.”

“I like the sound of that,” Jade murmurs.

“You don’t have to,” Karkat mutters.

“Maybe we want to, dude.”

Karkat turns and looks a little more sharply at Dave. “Is this because I had a shitty day?”

“I mean, maybe the timing, yeah,” Dave admits. No point in lying. It tends to just make shit weird and bad. “But maybe it’s also fun as fuck to double team you.” He swirls his fingertip around Karkat’s swollen bulge slit gently, avoiding direct contact but still managing to make his eyes go glassy. “You considered that?”

Karkat swallows. “Really?”

“Really, dude. You’re such a fuckin’ snack.” Dave distinctly recalls the year and a half it took Karkat to stop reminding him that he didn’t _need_ to blow him. He didn’t _have_ to do that for him. Sure, Karkat just had just eaten his ass and fingered him until he came untouched in thick ropes all over his stomach, but, are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this? For me? You don’t have to. Fuck that noise.

“Seriously, Karkat, it’s so fun,” Jade says. She scoots closer and nuzzles Karkat’s neck. “Double teaming either of you is the best.”

“I agree. For both of y’all.” Dave dips his finger just past the slit, brushing feather-light against Karkat’s bulge and groaning when it makes Karkat gasp sharply. Just that. He loves this, he loves when they do this for him, he just needs a little reassurance before they get really into it. “We can all agree that it’s the best, in every iteration, right? Yeah? Any disagreements?”

Karkat moans and bites his lip. “But, you don’t…”

Dave pauses, but Karkat doesn’t say anything further. “I mean, we don’t have to, if you’re not into it.” Karkat looks so torn. Jade picks up on it too, and stops what she’s doing, waiting for a response first. “Do you want to do something el-”

No. Fuck. Uh, I-I- this is good, I just. Shit. It’s a lot when you… do that.”

“What kind of a lot, dude?” Dave presses, just in case. He’s usually pretty good at reading Karkat, but sex stuff is weird and charged, and that could mean enough things on opposite sides of the stop/go equation that Dave always opts for spelling it the fuck out. Even if it’s embarrassing. Fuck it.

Karkat buries his face in his hands. “I have never wanted anything more in my piddly freak life. I might die if it doesn’t happen. I’m just really, _really_ flushed right now.”

“Ah,” Jade says. “Okay. You need a minute?”

“I mean, sweet, ‘cuz that sounds like exactly the point. Get you all fuckin’ hot and bothered and shit.”

“You’re going to fucking kill me,” Karkat mumbles into his hands.

Before this conversation embarrasses Karkat’s bulges back into his sheath anymore, Dave pries Karkat’s arms away from his face so he can get some of that prime smooching action. Karkat is a really, really intense kisser. He puts his all into every single kiss, including this one. He wraps his arms around Dave’s shoulders and nibbles at his lips. That has to be crazy hard to do gently with those teeth, but he’s a fucking master. Dave hears a wet sound and Karkat moans. And opens his eyes slightly and sees Jade’s hand trailing lower, down to his waist.

“You’re so vocal. I love it,” Jade murmurs. “So sensitive, too.” Karkat makes a little sound in his throat. Nice. Nice, agreed. Dave runs one of his hands softly over Karkat’s grubscars, making him moan. Really nice. He’s absurdly sensitive. If they wind him up enough, he can come just from teasing. One time Jade got him to paint her face just from breathing on his dick. It’s insanely hot. “You two are so sexy,” Jade says. “I love watching you.”

Dave burns a little hotter than before. Karkat seems to pick up on that, and he gets his literally hot-as-fuck hands on Dave’s skin. He runs them up and down his torso, making him gasp. Trolls are kind of fucking massive, and Karkat’s hands are a fair amount bigger than human hands, _and_ they’re on fire, and now they’re all over Dave’s torso. Dave isn’t as bird-thin as it used to be, to put it mildly, but he’s still comparatively small enough that this shit is completely overwhelming. It makes him think about how they feel on his hips when Karkat is pushing him down on one of his bulges, hard, because he knows that’s how Dave likes it.

“Oh, fuck!” Karkat gasps. His fingers twitch against Dave’s skin, and his claws dig in gently, just on the right side of pain. Dave looks down to see Jade swirling her fingertip around Karkat’s bulge. It’s peeking out about a half an inch, while the other one is barely showing its head. Dave loves when it does that. He loves getting one all the way out when the other one is barely saying hi. It’s so weird and hot. And, yum, the bulge that Jade’s playing with is fucking mouth-watering. Dave really, really wants to get his mouth on it, coax it the rest of the way out, swirl his tongue around the head over and over and over in that way that makes Karkat’s legs shake.

“Really wanna go down on you,” Dave mumbles into his ear.

Karkat shudders. Dave can feel the heat coming off his face.

“Oh,” he says weakly. “Please. Yeah. Dave. Fuck.”

Dave starts scooting lower. He hears Jade makes a happy sound and then the two of them kissing each other. “You’re so soft. You feel so good. It’s so fun to touch you,” she whispers.

Karkat makes a strangled, helpless sound. Dave watches his bulges slide out, millimeter by millimeter. A few little tricks could speed that up. He kisses the inside of Karkat’s thigh, and Karkat grabs for Dave’s hair. He slowly makes his way towards Karkat’s slit, keeping his eyes on Jade and Karkat make out above him. They’re so fucking hot, he’s so lucky. Jade traces her fingers along the slits on either side of Karkat’s chest, and making him shiver, and his legs tense around Dave’s head. Then Dave starts tonguing at the swollen skin around his slit. It’s hotter than normal and slick with the strange, alien pre that Dave’s developed a taste for.

“Oh, fuck, Dave,” Karkat whines.

“Hmm?” Dave continues his progress, slow and steady.

“Karkat, you’re so hot,” Jade purrs.

“Fuck.” He looks down at Dave and bites his lip. He looks like he wants to beg. It takes all of Dave’s willpower to not start sucking him off right now, just to see what kind of face he makes when he gets the relief he wants so bad. But he takes his time. He wants to draw this out.

“Dave, please,” Karkat whispers.

Well, fuck it. Dave runs his tongue over the head his bulge. Karkat’s hips buck into his face, and Dave holds them against the bed. Slowly, he swirls his tongue around the few inches he can. Karkat whimpers. Dave feels his hip muscles twitch against his hands. He pulls away, rubbing his palms along the inside of Karkat’s thighs.

“You taste so fucking good,” he tells him. The compliment spigot is usually only barely contained during sex because it tends to make Jade or Karkat pretty flustered. But when it’s wanted? Shit flows like fucking honey. Karkat’s got another thing coming if just that is making his legs shake.

“Objectively false,” he says weakly.

Dave raises his eyebrows. A challenge? He can meet a challenge. He wraps his hand loosely around Karkat’s bulge and strokes it teasingly. “Fuck no it’s not. I’d bottle this shit and take it with me for good luck. Eu du Karkarine. I could put it on my neck as perfume.”

“That’s fucking disgusting.”

“I don’t know about the perfume, but you really do taste good,” Jade tells him. Dave hears more wet sounds, and looks up to see them making out again. Nice. Dave leans down and takes Karkat back into his mouth.

His dick is so hard that it kind of hurts, so he gives it a few strokes. Fuck, Karkat’s bulge starts leaking, and the intense flavor hits his tongue. He groans and sucks gently to encourage more of that. Jade whispers something that Dave can’t hear, but he can hear the way Karkat moans in response. And he sure as fuck can feel how the jet of precum kicks it up a notch.

“You want that?” she says.

“Please, please do that.”

Dave is dying of curiosity, but between the fact that he doesn’t want to pull away from Karkat’s junk again and the fact that he’s definitely going to find out soon, he waits. He’s patient as fuck and he has a dick to suck.

Jade scoots down Karkat’s body. Oh, nice. Fuck yes. Absolute fucking best. She gives Dave a big grin. “Come here, I want to try something.” Dave pulls off, and Jade pulls him over and kisses him. He can taste Karkat on her tongue. Karkat trills. His bulge pulses and literally pokes Dave in the chin. They pull apart and look at each other.

“Are you ready for this shit?” Dave realizes he can smell her wetness from over here. God, his dick fucking _aches_. It’s probably a medical concern at this point.

“Karkat, are _you_ ready?”

Instead of chastising them for being little shits, Karkat blurts out the Alternian equivalent of _I love you_. Heat blooms in Dave’s chest. Karkat is making it really fucking hard to stick to the plan and not scoot up there and just kiss him for a while. Dave takes his hand and squeezes it instead. He’ll kiss the heck out of him later.

“We love you, too,” Jade says.

“Please,” Karkat says.

Dave doesn’t need any more goading than that.

He takes Karkat deep into his mouth, making him moan. Then he hears Jade start to lick at him, and his noises get _really_ fun.

Trolls aren’t designed to have both bulges messed with at once. They don’t even jack off with both, they just pick one and wail on it. Karkat explained at one point that each bulge is associated with a different reproductive globe. That allows trolls to engage in concupiscent activity in both pitch and flushed quadrants, should they want to, on the same day. Because they only _need_ one bulge or the other to be messed with to have a hella satisfying orgasm, both at once is, apparently, super fucking intense and bordering on kinky for trolls.

Above them, Karkat slips into curses in guttural Alternian. Dave glances over to see Jade swirling her tongue over the tip of Karkat’s bulge. Maybe they could have a competition to see who can make him come first. Before Dave can suggest it, Karkat’s hips buck up in a certain way that Dave could recognize anywhere - he’s feeling empty and wants something in his nook. Hmm. Should he? Karkat would probably spoof immediately, and probably right in Dave’s mouth, because he’s been messing with this one longer. Hmm, nah. He’ll wait until Karkat asks for it. If it makes him last longer, it makes him feel good longer.

“Fuck,” Karkat says, rejoining the English language beautifully.

Jade looks up at him. “Mm?”

“It’s. So much.” His chest heaves with breaths, and his skin is flushed bright red under the grey.

Dave pulls off, but keeps jacking him lightly with his hand. “’S good?”

Karkat gives him an exhausted, hazy glare. “No, dipshit, it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Sarcastic turd, Dave loves him so much. “Oh, shit, you shoulda told me sooner. I can switch.”

“To what?”

Dave dips lower and tongues at his slit, and Karkat’s hips buck into his face.

“Oh, fuck! Fuck, please, Dave?”

He’s so hot. Dave moans and sinks his tongue inside while Jade keeps messing with his bulge. Karkat is fucking soaked. They wouldn’t need lube for their biggest strap-on. He trembles when Dave starts to swirl his tongue around. This isn’t enough for him. Bulges are a little softer than human dicks, but they’re about the same size and roughly the same shape, and a tongue isn’t even close to what he was built to take. All it’s going to do is tease him and make him want more. Before too long, he feels Karkat’s hand on his head, pushing him deeper, and wow, imagine that, begging for more.

“Dave, for fuck’s sake, please.”

“Hmm?”

“More, you fucking-“

“Should I get my strap-on?” Jade asks.

Karkat makes a hot little sound.

“That sounds like a yes,” she teases.

“You don’t have to,” he mumbles into his arm.

That kind of self-effacing nonsense, at this point, will not stand. Dave pulls back and, without preamble, sinks two fingers into his slit. Karkat arches back and grips the sheets.

“So fucking hot, shit. Babe, are you seeing this? Karkat’s a fucking minx.”

“Yeah, wow. You really want it, don’t you?”

Karkat stutters out some nonsense answer to the effect of _how could I not_. Jade scoots up and kisses him quiet. Dave pumps his fingers in and out, and Karkat makes some fun sounds.

Jade pops off and scampers to the other side of the room. “Be right back!”

“Mmkay,” Karkat moans.

“Mm, got you all to myself.”

Karkat whimpers.

Dave adds another finger and starts tonguing at his favorite bulge again, making Karkat fall back onto the bed, trembling.

“Dave, oh my god, Dave-“

Dave reaches down to jack himself off a little. Shit’s way too hot. Karkat feels the shift, looks down and sees him doing it (because fuck no he’s not stopping, Karkat needs to see how hot this makes him), and makes a choked moan. Dave holds eye contact with him and sinks down on his bulge.

“Move over!”

Dave reluctantly parts from his front row seat, making room for Jade. Hoo boy, she picked one of the bigger ones, Karkat’s favorite. Jade settles right down between Karkat’s legs. She runs her strapon back and forth across his slit. “You’re so puffy already, wow.”

Karkat looks away, embarrassed.

“It’s hot,” Dave tells him. “You’re super fucking hot.”

Karkat looks at him helplessly, overwhelmed. “Come here,” he says, reaching for Dave.

Dave crawls up next to him, and Karkat kisses him really messily. Dave can tell the exact moment that Jade enters him, because of the way his kiss stutters out and he warbles. Dave reaches down for one of his bulges and starts to stroke lightly.

“Bet you’re set to fuckin’ blow, aren’t you?” he murmurs. “We’ve been goin’ at you for a while now.”

“Yeah,” Karkat admits. Dave hears Jade slapping up against his skin. He wonders if she has a vibe in or something. And then Karkat’s hand is on his dick, jacking him off … with not the best possible technique, but he’s getting the old rub and tug, and it’s infinitely better than the big honking nothing Dave was working with before, fuck. He groans and scoots even closer, giving him better access.

“Lemme see your face,” he says. He’s embarrassed by how tight his voice sounds, but shit, Karkat’s making it too hard to talk normally. “You’re so hot when you come.”

“Nnh.”

“Are you close?”

“Ye- _oh_ , fuck.”

Jade does something that makes Karkat’s eyes roll back in his head. Dave looks down to see her jacking both bulges in time with her thrusts. Fuck, yeah, that’s gotta be seven kinds of overwhelming. Karkat keeps trying to tell them how good it feels, but the stuttered _yes_ and _good_ and etc barely come out. It’s crazy hot. Dave really wants to fuck him. He’s rutting against his hand a little without meaning to. He gets Karkat’s attention and kisses him again, and revels in how totally sloppy and unfocused his kisses are.

Within a few minutes, Karkat’s moans are getting frantic. Dave lets his other hand brush over his gills a little, and he seizes up and shouts a curse. Fuck. Yes.

Dave wasn’t just laying it on thick for Karkat’s benefit. The dude is hot as fuck when he comes. His face knits up and his whole body shakes, and the noises he makes are completely indecent. Dave bites his lip and tries not to focus too hard on his need to fuck something hard right the fuck now. He pulls away his hand when Karkat starts to relax, and Jade pulls out and kisses his chest.

“That was so fun,” she pants.

“How, oh my god.”

What? Dave looks over. Karkat has his hands covering his face again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“How was that fun.” Karkat mumbles into his skin. “You two weren’t getting off at all. It’s… logically unsound.”

“Logical fallacy #1: the idea that we weren’t getting off. Factually inaccurate. Behold: my dick.” Dave takes Karkat’s limp hand and puts it on his rock-solid meatstick. He manages to not buck up into his hand when Karkat gives him a little squeeze. “And I’ll eat shit if Jade isn’t a swamp right now.”

“Wow, gross!”

“You are, aren’t you?”

“Why don’t you find out for yourself?” Jade scoots forward, grabs his hand, and puts it- holy _fuck_. She could probably take their biggest toy without lube right now. Dave really, _really_ wants to fuck her, and she looks at him like she really wants that, too. Karkat’s hand falls away from Dave’s dick.

“So, Jade is the fucking Loch Ness right now.”

 “Fuck. Fuck, that’s hot,” Karkat says.

“Are you gonna tuck your monster in my lake?”

“You know it, babe, gonna plumb your depths with proterozoic-“

Karkat groans and laughs. “Oh my god, stop.”

Oh, shit, Dave got distracted. He was on a mission to tell Karkat how wrong he is. “Logical fallacy #2: double teaming you is the fucking best because you’re the fucking best.”

Karkat bites his lip and seems to be mulling something over.

“What is it, dude?”

“I gained weight.”

Dave’s eyebrows shoot up. Is _that_ what he’s self-conscious over? Right now? Karkat has always been thicc, and he’s always been hot as fuck. Dave, meanwhile, put on a solid 30 pounds after the game, and he’s not horribly self-conscious about it (when his brain isn’t telling him that it makes him less survivable for the apocalypse. Karkat isn’t the only one with stupid old brain patterns that won’t die). He’s having trouble wrapping his mind around why this of all things is getting him embarrassed.

“Dude. Most of us gained weight. You’re hot as fuck.” Dave runs his hand down Karkat’s body to exemplify his point and get a handful of his sweet, plush skin.

“Dave’s right. You’re beefy and it’s hot.”

“Oh my god.”

“What! It’s true.” Jade turns to Dave. “You’re really hot, too, Dave.”

Dave gets warm with embarrassment and tries to deflect. It’s probably a bad idea when he’s flustered. It usually is. His brain-to-mouth filter has always been shit, and it’s worse than shit when he’s buck naked with his hunnies and they’re telling him he’s hot and shit.

“Gee, thanks. Get a guy moist with talk like that. Y’all’re both hot, the triangle of hotness has been reasserted, karmic balance has returned to the land,” Jade scoots closer to Dave, but he can’t stop the word spigot, “and all is right with the world,” she’s getting real close, but there’s no stopping the torrent, this is a challenge Dave is going to win _,_ “and maybe we can move on to round two now, because Karkat still has another nut to bust-mmfph.”

Jade just lays one kiss on his mouth. Dave stops. He’s kind of glad something got that over with before he wrote a sonnet to their asses or something.

“What do you want to do?” she asks him. “Karkat, do you want to keep going?”

Karkat makes a pathetic little sound.

“Is that a yes? Or do you just want to watch me and Dave?”

“Use me,” Karkat says, and Dave turns to look at him because hot fucking _damn_ that’s hot. “If you want to,” he redacts, because he’s still Karkat, and he’s still shy as fuck when he’s vulnerable.

“We can use you, babe. You’ll be a wet paper bag by the time we’re done with you. So covered in spoof. Like, holy shit, how many times did you dunk that bag in love goo? Those things are built for-“

Jade puts her finger on Dave’s mouth, and her eyes flutter a little when Dave swirls his tongue around it. “I have an idea.”

“Mm?”

“I can sit on his bulge, and you can sit on his face?” she says, all bold-faced, like that’s just a thing people do every fucking day. Dave has the hottest partners, both of them.

Karkat whimpers. “Please.”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Be right back.” Jade hops off, probably to grab her vibrator.

Dave works his way up Karkat’s chest. He almost knees Karkat in the fucking face, but saves it at the last minute. Karkat rolls his eyes, but his face gets soft and vulnerable once Dave is settled, with his knees on opposite sides of Karkat’s head. Karkat’s eyes trail from Dave’s dick to his face, back to his dick, which bobs a little with his pulse. God, he’s so ready to fuck his face. He’s leaking already. Shit’s fucking embarrassing. And Karkat looks like a fucking disaster. Dave strokes his hair and watches his already dilated pupils expand just a little more.

“You’re so pretty,” Dave tells him. Karkat bites his lip. “You want it so bad, don’t you?”

“No shit.”

“Pervert.”

Karkat smirks. “Oh, I’m the pervert? Not the human wagging his engorged genitals in my face?”

“You want to see filthy pervert, dude?” Dave grabs his wet dick and strokes it. Fucking _finally_. His legs feel a little weak and he leans back on Karkat’s chest for a moment before pulling himself back up.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Karkat asks, kind of frantically.

“What if I just spoofed on your face right now?” Dave asks tightly. “That’d be filthy pervert.”

“And mark me as your territory like some kind of woofbeast?” Karkat tries to sound derisive about it, Dave’s pretty sure, but he just sounds like he’s actually pretty fucking into that, at least right now.

Dave gasps when he feels Karkat’s hands on his thighs, running up to his hips. When he talks again, his voice is tighter. “Fuck yeah, dude. Property of this deez nuts.” Karkat stares at his dick and licks his fucking lips. “ _Fuck_ , you’re so hot. I could totally bust one just looking at you.”

“Dave, come on, let me…” Karkat squeezes Dave’s hips, and Dave’s willpower to keep up the stupid game dies. He holds his dick at the base and leans forward, and Karkat opens his mouth to take it.

“Eat up.”

Karkat glares at him, but doesn’t pull back or tell him to please stop with the insufferable pillowtalk. He just wraps his crazy-hot mouth around the head. Dave almost goes off on the spot. Karkat groans and closes his eyes. He looks so pleased with himself.

“Fuck, you look so good,” Dave says, running his hand down Karkat’s face. Karkat looks up at him with those fuck-me eyes and squeezes his waist. Dave tries shifting his hips, rocking into Karkat’s face, and Karkat opens his jaw further for him. His mouth is sin. Dave could just float here for hours. When Karkat starts sucking, Dave has to grab the bedpost for support. “So good at this.”

“Oh, wow,” Jade breathes. “You guys are… wow. What were you arguing about?”

“How bomb this dick is.”

Karkat smacks Dave’s hip lightly, which means to pull off. “Do not,” Karkat says thickly.

Dave hears Jade shifting around behind him, and Karkat helplessly tries to look and see what’s happening. Oh, this position will probably be really fun for him, what with the not being able to see anything over the towering flesh wall of Dave. He really likes not being able to see what they’re doing.

“Got it, sorry.” The dumbshit pillowtalk is tipping into actually annoying, so Dave is going to do his best to actually cram it. Shit’s only fun when Karkat’s having fun, too.

Karkat’s expression gets soft. “Thanks.”

Dave strokes his face softly, and then bites his lip when Karkat’s eyes roll back into his head. Dave looks over his shoulder and sees Jade sinking down on his still-erect bulge.

“Fuck, Karkat, you’re perfect.” She rocks forward a little bit and her whole body shudders. Dave feels his claws lightly digging into his hips. He turns back to Karkat to see his face twisted in a mask of pleasure.

“Dude, you still down with this part, or you just wanna-“

“Do it, please.”

Dave takes a deep breath. Karkat opens his mouth, and Dave slips back inside of him. It’s a little sloppier than before, which makes it even hotter.

The three of them work up a messy, half-coordinated rhythm for a while. Dave is kind of embarrassingly close again. He has to pull off two minutes in to keep himself from losing it. Karkat pants and looks at him wildly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just getting started, dude.”

Jade’s moans get louder, and Dave hears vibrator click on. He turns around in time to see her starting to cum. Karkat grabs Dave’s legs and swears. Dave grabs the base of his dick, just in case. Can’t spoof off now. Jade shudders and slowly relaxes, then clicks the vibrator off.

“Babe, can we trade places?”

Jade smiles. “Fuck yeah.”

“Karkat, that good with you?”

Karkat nods and licks at the underside of Dave’s dick. He seems pretty fucking blissed out. He seems like he’d be perfectly happy doing anything with either or both of them right now.

The position takes some maneuvering. Dave almost falls flat on his fucking face. His legs are jelly and his dick is a fucking spear. Jade is made of muscles and grace or some shit, and she just sinks down on Karkat’s waiting mouth and gets the praise spigot going. She’s really fucking good at that.

“You’re perfect, Karkat. You take it so well for us.” Karkat’s hips buck against nothing and he groans. “Mm, love you so much.”

Dave picks Karkat’s legs up and looks at his swollen slit. Shit’s begging for some dinner. He manages to keep that thought to himself before feeding (haha) his dick into him, slowly, and listening to Karkat’s helpless moan above them.

“Is Dave fucking you? Mm? Does it feel good?” Jade asks. Karkat can’t form words.

“Feels fuckin’ perfect on my end. You’re perfect, babe.” Dave feels Karkat spasm around him, so hot and tight and responsive. He kisses the inside of a thigh. “So gorgeous.”

Dave works up a slow rhythm. Again, it’s fucking nothing before he’s getting close. He doesn’t pull back this time. He lets himself get rougher and listens to Karkat’s moans get more desperate. Jade seems to be coming for a third fucking time already, and she makes the most gorgeous sounds when she does it. Her skin has a sheen of sweat all over it, and she’s panting and shivering. Dave wishes he could reach her, kiss her and mess with her a little. Later. He’s got about a minute and a half before he busts, maybe.

Dave wraps his hand around Karkat’s bulge and pumps him in time with his thrusts. It’s not a minute before he’s heaving. Jade pulls back and Karkat’s moans are loud and unmuffled (muff, haha). She settles down beside him, saying things too soft for Dave to make out, but he’s pretty sure it’s her mushy-gushy post-coital sweettalk. Karkat is eating it up. He squeezes really fucking tight and Dave is gone, fucking blissed, fucking blasted and gripping Karkat’s leg to have something to hang on to. He hears Karkat make a really hot sound, and rides out the feeling before pulling out.

Karkat didn’t come. Yet. His legs twitch desperately and his bulge drips onto the pool of pre on his stomach. Jade reaches down and starts jacking him off before Dave has a chance. Cool, that’s fine, his brain is broked anyways. Dave scoots back with all the grace of a newborn deer and gets his fingers back inside. He mumbles some nonsense about how perfect, warm, hot, beautiful, sweet, good Karkat is, until he gasps and spills on his stomach.

Dave scoots up next to him and collects his snuggles while Karkat regains coherency. Karkat just shivers next to him.

“Holy shit,” he eventually says.

“That was really fun,” Jade sighs.

“Fuck yeah. Why don’t we do that every time?”

“I would die. You would die.”

“We can’t die, dude.”

“No, oh my fuck, don’t challenge the fates. We can’t.”

“Karkat’s right, Dave. We’d die. It’s like triple chocolate cake, you can’t eat it every day.”

“Fine, fine.”

Dave kisses the side of Karkat’s head, twining his fingers with Jade across his body. Eventually, he pulls away to grab some tissues. Gently, he wipes up the mess that’s all over Karkat’s junk. Karkat shudders softly. His bulges, both soft and spent, slowly retract back into his body. Fucking aliens, man.

Karkat mumbles something.

“What?” Jade asks.

“Thanks for indulging my stupid praise thing.”

Jade makes a transparent _fuck no_ face. “You know we meant it, right?”

“Yeah, dude, only indulgent part was saying it out loud a little more than usual.”

Karkat grabs a pillow and throws it over his face.

“Karkat, no, come back!”

“Where’d my smokin’ hot boyfriend go?”

“Oh my god,” he says, muffled into the pillow. Jade gently pries it away.

“It’s true.” She kisses his forehead. “I love telling you how every part of you is the best.”

“Thank you guys. So much.”

Dave kisses Karkat’s temple. Without looking, he throws the dirty cum tissue on the other side of the room.

“You’d better pick that up before someone steps on it,” Jade says sleepily.

“Yeah, totally.” He’ll try. It’s almost in the wastebasket anyways. You’d have to be trying to step on it. It’d be a challenge.

“I need a shower,” Karkat says reluctantly.

“Do you?” Dave asks.

“I’m covered from head to toe in three different people’s genetic fluids.”

“Yeah, it’s hot. Marked like a woofbeast, or something.” Dave is too blasted to remember.

“ _Head_ to _toe_.”

“I mean, technically it stops after midthigh. If you step on the jizz tissue, though…” Honestly, Dave is feeling pretty crusty himself. They really need to get on making a bigger shower that can fit the three of them.

Karkat groans. “How fucking lazy am I for not wanting to move right now.”

Dave grabs the sheet from the other side of the bed and drapes it over the three of them.

“Oh, good idea!”

“Is it?” Karkat asks.

“Yeah, I’ll wash them later. Let’s just hang out for a while.”

Karkat smiles and Dave feels his muscles relax. “Alright.”

Dave leans over and shuts the bedside lamp off. He hears Jade yawn. “Wake me up if you get up.”

“Got it,” Dave says. There’s basically a 0% chance of him or Karkat falling asleep without the shower question resolved (sleeping when you know you’ll be woken up within the hour? not on), but Jade can sleep anywhere, anytime if given enough quiet and darkness. They’re on opposite sides of the sleep disorder coin, and they’re all exhausted all the time.

Jade falls asleep while Dave happily nuzzles Karkat. He runs his hands all over his body. Karkat really has the softest fucking skin. Karkat gently wriggles down and kisses him lazily. It’s the fucking best. And when Dave’s hand drifts teasingly over his sheath, he’s surprised to find a bulge most of the way out.

“Really, dude? How?”

“I don’t fucking know. Just ignore it, it’ll go away.”

Dave considers that. “Is that a _I don’t want more_ ‘ignore it,’ or a _I feel self-conscious about wanting more after that_ one?” Dave hears Karkat swallow. “Because I’m more than kinda down for more.”

“Okay. Yeah. That. Fuck.”

“So hot, holy shit. Jade, hun, wake up.”

“Hnn?”

“You don’t have to wake her-“

“She said to do it when we were getting up, dude, and part of you is super fucking up right now.” Honestly, he’s pretty positive that she’d want to be woken up like this, as opposed to being woken up mid-wank. That’d be weird.

“Oh my-“

“Woah, is Karkat ready to go again? Wow, awesome.”

Karkat gasps, probably because Jade dipped her fingers inside his slit. Dave wraps his hand back around the bulge and kisses him. At some point, Karkat turns and kisses Jade instead, and Dave kisses his neck and tells him how good he sounds and feels.

Karkat’s moans are so quiet, like he’s been fucking defeated or something. They shift to a bunch of wet gasps, and Dave feels the shaft in his hand start to soften. Did he spoof? Maybe he dry spoofed. That’d be hot. It’s already the hottest, but that’d be hot. Dave has a little more than a halfie from tag-teaming Karkat into orgasm number three, but there’s a 0% chance that Karkat has the brain cells to handle that. He can’t even stop shuddering and groaning well after he’s done. It’s kind of alarming. Dave and Jade both hug him.

“You okay, dude?”

He nods. “Really fucking okay.”

Jade hums. “Good, I was getting nervous, too.”

“Fuck. Shit. I didn’t know I could fucking do that.”

“Come three times in an hour?” Dave asks. Technically about 42 minutes, but no one except him and Aradia truly appreciates the exact numbers shit.

“Yeah.”

“I wonder what other fun things we can find out,” Jade teases.

“Fuck, not today.”

“No, no. That’d be crazy. You’re all worked out.”

“Pretty sure we drained your stores for the next half a week.”

“Ugh, gross.”

“Sorry,” Dave says, nuzzling into Karkat’s skin and smirking.

“I love you.” Karkat kisses Dave, then turns away to kiss Jade. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I love you too, dude.”

“Now I really, _really_ fucking need a shower, and we _have_ to wash the sheets.”

Dave turns the light on and sees a thin wet patch on Karkat’s skin. “Oh, not a dry spoof, then.”

“Not a dry spoof,” Karkat says tiredly. Dude must be fucking blitzed if he’s not arguing with that. He gets up and stretches out. “Be back soon.”

He gives them both a few more kisses, and then leaves the room.

Dave looks at Jade. Unless he’s reading into things, he’s pretty sure she has a _look_ in her eye.

“So, quick question-“

“Yes, please, oh my god.”

Dave is reaching for a condom in a second.

They finish up before Karkat comes back. It’s not much of a challenge, Karkat loves his stupidly long showers.

They don’t finish up with enough time to change the sheets, though. Karkat ends up helping them make the bed. The three of them all clean up the disaster of the room - pushing the dirty sex toys into a nasty to-wash pile, putting the cum tissues in the garbage, etc - and pile back in. When Jade reaches over to turn the light off, Dave is already half asleep with a satisfied smile on his face.

“I love you,” Karkat murmurs.

“Love you too, dude.”

“Love you guys,” Jade says between yawns. “G’night.”

“Night.”

 


End file.
